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Post by fureverywhere on Nov 5, 2011 21:17:43 GMT -5
I know we got a wide group of generations on this site. Alot of you are younger...unless your parents had you late in life you probably can't relate. My Dad is 88, he's outlived my Mom by more than twenty years. Outlived his parents and many of his friends and army buddies, brothers and sisters except two. Proud of him because when my Mom passed suddenly he suffered through a few years, then again people were trying to date him before she was even cold sheeesh. But he recovered eventually, made peace with whatever and found a special partner. He's traveled everywhere and complains about the old people with their canes and oxygen who walk too slow on tours. Definitely fiesty, but I worry ya know? He always drove like Mr Magoo <culture aside-look up Mr Magoo driving on YouTube and you'll understand> and now I'll ask him if he wants me to drive and he just waves me off. His partner drives most of the time but they don't live together so he's on his own often. My brother calls to check up on him, we all do...guess I just realize his time will come...then again George Burns, Eubie Blake were guys who kept a rollin up to 100. Guess I just get sucked into the conversations sometimes about his Dr appointments-he had a bypass years ago-and that he has all his papers in order in case...then he'll mention "Did I tell you we're going back to visit Israel in March?". One minute he's ready to head out on the ice flow and then he's planning his travels for the next ten years. Must be hard to be that age... One day at a time and grateful he's so together but oy I worry
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Post by suziriot on Nov 5, 2011 21:58:47 GMT -5
My parents adopted me "later" in life, so I can totally relate. I'm in my early thirties, my dad is 76 and my mom will soon be 70. It is really hard. My parents are still very active and busy, which is a very good thing. But still... its hard.
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Post by loverocksalot on Nov 5, 2011 22:12:11 GMT -5
As a baby my husband was adopted by his blood grandmother. He has always called her mom. she is 95. When her apartment building burned to the ground in 2001, the whole processes of finding her a place to live and ultimately being the one who ended up helping have her placed in assisted living pretty much a nursing home, aged me and I lost time. Next thing I knew my son was no longer a boy but a man. And that was just one incident of 2001 we all know the other but there was other things too. Its rough she was in a home close to us. She called every day for me to take her to the Dr. I did for a while. Then I stopped and forced her to take the bus that stopped there daily. It was rough for a mom with young kids. Fortunately her daughter later found her a place closer to her about an hour from here. Now its all on her daughter whose were out of the house.
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Post by fureverywhere on Nov 5, 2011 22:25:07 GMT -5
Yeah grandkids is one of those things I feel guilty about...my eldest son was with him more than us growing up and for whatever reasons the boy doesn't talk to him anymore. Sure his grandpa lectures...but thats what he's supposedta do. Then theres two of them in and out of "being away", just tell grandpa they're keeping mighty busy-unless one of them blows it and calls him from jail. One who doesn't talk to any of us. So that's down three. He has trouble understanding Emmy's speech so she feels alittle lost around him and my brothers oldest who's successful lives a distance away...guess I can't feel guilty that the kids flaked out on him but still do
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Post by emilys on Nov 5, 2011 22:50:12 GMT -5
yes, did that with my mom, after dad died. I don't want to sound cruel, but this is a journey with only one direction and only one destination. The more you are able to prepare, the more joy you will find within the pain. PLEASE make sure that all his financial papers are in some organized place; that any computer passwords are accessible. Make sure he has a will, a durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Make sure you and any of your sibs. are on the same page about caring for him and decide who will take the lead on things like bill paying. It will probably be you, as the female. Invest some money in a lawyer who specializes in elder law issues to advise you on estate planning and the legal documents you need. Look at resources like : www.aarp.org/relationships/caregiving/ www.agingcare.com/and this book: www.careforagingparents.com/investigate what is available to you locally in terms of aides (people) and financial assistance (there should be a Dept. of aging within your state). Learn about Medicare/Medicaid; be sure you know what kind of health insurance he has now. You will not be sorry even if it is difficult to think about.
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Post by melonie on Nov 6, 2011 0:04:51 GMT -5
My dad is only 62, but he isn't in good health due to long term alcohol abuse, past drug use, emphysema, and lack of proper nutrition, and regular health care.
Up until a couple of years ago, I didn't really talk to him. I didn't really grow up with him in the home, and he missed out on the chances to be a part of my life... Not sure what he has or hasn't done as far as pre-arrangements.
He's single, and pretty much alone. My sister now lives in Co. and I live 250+ miles away.
Sometimes it makes me sad to know he's aging and won't be around. But I also don't want him to suffer. I lost my mom to breast cancer almost 13 yrs ago. I lost my grandmother (my dads mom) almost 16 yrs ago to cancer, and my grandpa (dads dad) almost 20 yrs ago due to diabetes related illnesses. So after he passes, there will no longer be any immediate family other than my sister. And that sucks.
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Post by fureverywhere on Nov 6, 2011 10:29:12 GMT -5
Thank you Emily, think the only battle I might have with my brother will be the ashes to ashes concept. Me and my Dad both feel strong about no heroic measures or embalming. Just scattering ashes and a simple memorial service. They had a viewing for my Mom and ...a waxen doll that didn't look like her in life at all I'm sorry Melonie, it's harder watching other people get older moreso than ourselves. Maybe you can begin to create extended family through friends. Knew best buddies Mom almost longer than my own. Thanks for letting me share folks
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Post by adoptapitbull on Nov 6, 2011 17:06:37 GMT -5
Losing my dad at 55 (I had just turned 20), I'm absolutely terrified of losing my mom. She's 60 now, which I know is not that old, yet I'm terrified of the day when she dies.
I lost my dad, both grandmothers, and my family dog all within 6 months of each other. It's turned me into a control freak. I was away (either at my college or visiting Jim at the academy) when all of the deaths occurred, so a lot of me feels like I need to control a situation and prevent bad things from happening.
Sometimes I feel helpless being 2.5 hours away from my family. If something happens, I can't do anything about it. Not that I could really do much if, say, my mom had another (yes, another) heart attack, but part of me feels like I can.
I hate death. Death sucks.
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Post by zaeva06 on Nov 8, 2011 20:58:19 GMT -5
As several people have mentioned already, the best thing you can do is plan ahead for any possible senario that may occur, or at least the most likely ones.
Get legal matters like Power of Attorney, Living Wills, and what will happen after the end settled if you can.
Also, as hard as it might be, talk to him about the possiblity of him having to go into a nursing home, assisted living or if the possiblity of home care is an option.
I do not have this issue with parents, as I'm only in my 20's and my parents have just hit their 50's, but my grandmother was diagosed with both Alzhimers and Parkingson's disease about four years ago.
As of today she is completly bedridden, has no bladder or bowel control, has had to have a feeding tube put in because of her refusal to eat, and has no idea who she is or where she is at.
It takes two-three people to care for her, and this is round the clock mind you. Because no legal matters were settled, and my mother is sitting on obtaining guardienship(long story on that one), there are no -after-event- plans, no one has PoA, no final decision's on her house, car, or other items, in short, it's a mess. If the worst were to happen tomorrow, everything would be left to the court system to decide, not a fun prospect.
Painful as it might be to talk about these things, now that I'm living it first-hand, it's better to save youself and your loved one's alot of time and frustration later, at least bring the topics up and get them on the table.
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Post by perfectpit on Nov 9, 2011 1:35:35 GMT -5
I understand where everyone is coming from. My mom is 76 and not in the greatest of health. She had open heart surgery last year and hasn't accepted it. We went out and got all her financial paperwork in order. My dad passed away when he was only 45 of leukemia and I was 20. At that time, Mom expected me to quit my job and take care of her. This I refused to do hoping she would become independant. This never happened. I planned to move out of town and she became very upset wanting to know who was going to take care of her. So I stayed. Now that she is 76. I have taken her car from her several years ago ( she got into 3 minor accidents within a 2 wk period.) My brother lives a mile from her along with my 2 neices and it takes me 40 minutes to get to her house, however she expects me to come at her beckon call. When I ask her why doesn't she ask my brother, her response is well he works hard. I work close to 60 hours a week at times to just make ends meet. She doesn't consider that I work too. After working until 11pm I go over and take her trash out, go grocery shopping, clean her house/yard. whatever she needs. I am willing to do all this because she is my mother and she cared for me when I was a child. The hardest thing I have found is now that she is getting older and needing more medical visits, she feels I should just call off work to take her here or there. I've tried to explain to her that it isn't that simple and she doesn't understand. Her neighbors breed rotties and pits and they know she lost her pet last year and she tells them she wants a dog. They have got it in her head that she could handle one of these dogs. I told her no she can't, they are too strong for her. She can barely walk without assistance now and if the dog got loose or if the dog got out and she couldn't get it back in the house there would be no way she could catch it. Her response is well you have owned both of these dogs and do okay. I try to explain to her when she had her lab how many times she called me even in the middle of the night that she let the dog out and he wouldn't come up the stairs to come in and she was worried about him so I would drive over and get the dog in. Or she would sit and think of all the illnesses the dog might be having and have me take him to the vet. I told her I would be happy to get her a smaller dog, one she could handle but she says no. I want a rottie. My final comment to her was, if I come over and she has one of these dogs do not ever call me.
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Post by melonie on Nov 11, 2011 17:39:39 GMT -5
Perfectpit, if I were you I would be on the phone with other family members to arrange a schedule of who will take care of what and on what days. Then both you and your brother tell her the plan. That may help alleviate some of the burden, and allow for more pleasant visits.
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